God Bless the Broken Road

I'm sitting here tonight sorting through the various posts and comments spurred by Gina's "Two Roads" post, which raises the question, "If you were given the chance to go back to before you were diagnosed and had two roads to take, one was the road that leads you up to the point you are at now with all that has come with diabetes and the other will lead you to a life without diabetes, which road would you take and why?"

I've been impressed and inspired by the debate. My heart has gone out to the parents of kids with diabetes, who seem to answer the question with a resounding, "you must be joking". My feathers have been ruffled by a few comments, mostly those that seem to speculate on why other people say what they say on this subject and try to associate one road or the other with acceptance, etc.

I'm one of the few people with diabetes who would have turned it down, given the choice. Even after reading Allison's thoughtful and well-written exploration of the different aspects of the question, I still think I'd skip the diabetes. Maybe it's the $147 I paid for insulin today (I keep coming across this topic on expensive days - my first response, to Gina, was written after a somewhat depressing review of health insurance costs).

Or maybe it's all the things about me that have little or nothing to do with diabetes. It's not the most interesting aspect of me (I hope), it's not the only thing I talk or think about outside of this circle. Outside of the O.C. and diabetes camp, it rarely comes up. It's not the only challenge I've faced, or will face.

I imagine my life so far - with all its challenges and rewards but without chronic illness - as the other road. None of my high school friends have diabetes. None of my college friends have it. None of my work friends have it. Type 1 diabetes is nowhere in my family. I believe I would have still met someone and fallen in love (people without diabetes do it all the time, I'm told) and I would have had children (perhaps even more kids). I'd still be the person that my parents raised, I'd still be an odd mix of shy and outgoing, I'd still be afraid of heights and I'd still harbor a secret desire to be a chef.

So take away the numbers and the highs, the guilt and the lows. Wipe the slate clean and restore health to the teeny tiny blood vessels of my eyes. Reset my kidneys. I'd love to explore my life without these challenges.

Of course I wouldn't be the person I am today. And I probably wouldn't know you (please don't be offended but I'd trade you for a functioning pancreas in a heartbeat). And believe me when I say I am truly grateful for the positives that this broken road has shown me - I spent the day addressing holiday card envelopes and every section of my address book contains people with diabetes, and I love them. But I still say there's a big difference between appreciating what diabetes has brought and choosing it.