New Pump Ennui

My Cozmo pump broke this past week, literally 1 week after the warranty on the pump expired.

The "next pump" decision was an easy one. The pod bump freaks me out (some of us don't like tubing, some of us don't like bumps) and my billing fiascos with Medtronic are not yet a distant enough memory. Plus, Jake uses an Animas Ping, so it makes sense to deal with one company.

I started pumping nearly fourteen years ago as part of a study to determine if insulin pumps were a better alternative for managing first trimester lows in pregnant women. Today, pumping during pregnancy is the standard. Though I came to pumping after the introduction of teflon cannulas, my original pumps were durable workhorses that had none of the smart pump features we see today.

The last time I went 'pump shopping' there was a lot to consider. New features, different colors, cartridge sizes, tubing vs no tubing, food databases, bolus wizards, remotes and PDMs. It was exciting, and the 'new tool' element had its usual motivating effect.

This time, though... well, I'm just not feelin' it. Not much has changed in the last four years (outside of CGMS integration, which is a moot point for me until my insurance decides to cover sensors). Maybe it's the 'done deal' element of this next pump purchase, maybe it's the similarity between my old pump and my new pump, or maybe I've just got too much going on with my life outside of diabetes these days.

But I think, mostly, it's the fact that I'm wrapping up year #24 with diabetes and, honestly, I'm tired of it. That weariness is exacerbated by the fact that I see Jake's future less as one that might hold a cure and more as one that will depend upon ever-more-expensive technological solutions. It's laced in the fear that pumping itself could be put out of our reach if John were to ever lose his job, and our health insurance. It's weariness, and feeling overwhelmed, and for the first time in a long time, hating my non-functioning pancreas.

Sometime today I'll dig out a pen and fill out the order form. Then maybe today or tomorrow I'll fax it over to Animas. I know insurance will be kind, we have excellent coverage for now, so the new pump should be here within the week. And I'll re-connect and resume managing diabetes with the best tools available to me. Maybe I'll order the pink Animas, or a funky new skin for it. Or maybe, once connected, I'll treat myself to an afternoon at the bookstore or a new outfit. And hopefully I can shake this ennui, because I think we can all agree that diabetes doesn't do well when you're bored with it.