If I'd Only Known

I am 18 years old, barely. I am sitting on the porch of my parents' house, feet propped up on the porch railing, knees tucked under my chin. I am tired of crying, tired of the questions that I have lived with for only a day, already tired of what will be a lifetime routine. I have told my friends that I have diabetes, we have told my family. I keep saying it out loud in an effort to wrap my head around it. I am certain that my heart will never accept it.

I don't know anyone who has diabetes. There was a girl in middle school... what was her name? Sarah? I think she had it. What happened to her?

What will happen to me?

If I'd only known.

If I'd only known that I would go to college and be fine. That I would go to parties, fall in love, pull all-nighters, and sometimes choose college life over diabetes... but that I would come out of it ok.

If I'd only known that I'd get a job at diabetes camp and overnight I'd go from knowing no one with diabetes to knowing hundreds of girls and boys and young adults with diabetes. My peers, my mentors, my inspiration. Campers who would look to me to show them how to live well with diabetes. Friends who, even after our camp careers were over, attended my wedding and celebrated the births of my children. Friends who, to this day, cry with me when diabetes gets too scary and cheer me on as I chase my dreams.

If I'd only known that I'd get to experience pregnancy and childbirth not once but twice, and that I'd be the mother of two incredible, beautiful, healthy boys.

If I'd only known that I'd have the privilege of knowing these women:



Women with diabetes and children, women who juggle work and school and health and family. So cool, so funny, so smart, and so unbelievably caring. My diabetes peers today, spread out across the country (and the world!). Women who started out as messages on a diabetes discussion board but have become sisters, friends, and people I'm honored to know.

Women who understand what it's like to live my life.

I had no way of knowing, none of us do. I had no idea how much diabetes would influence my life, my choices, my path and my heart. But I wish I'd known, on that cloudy June day, just how bright the silver lining would be.