12/17/2008.

In the midst of holiday prep and school demands and work and life, the world is swirling around me and I am standing still. And standing with me, overwhelmed but resilient and beautiful and perfect is my son Jake, who has just been diagnosed with type 1 diabetes.

At 8 PM on Wednesday evening we were enjoying a friend's birthday gathering. By midnight, Jake and I were at VCU Medical Center in Richmond, sent there by a post-party blood sugar of 440. By 1PM on Thursday, dizzy from a crash course in diabetes, we were sitting in my car outside a restaurant on our way home, testing our blood sugar side by side. How the hell does everything change so fast?

We have joked. We have talked. We have hugged. We have looked at each other with red-rimmed eyes. I have tried to quickly strike a balance between concerned and casual, and I am already finding it hard to achieve. I feel guilty - but have already told myself all the reasons why there's no point in 'going there'. I had a really hard time as the ER staff marveled at the fact that John and I both have type 1, but I was comforted by the sunny CDE who immediately guessed that we must have met at diabetes camp - and saw that as a good thing. I've half-heartedly explained that we knew there was a chance our kids could develop diabetes, but the odds were strongly in our favor and we'd always hoped it would never happen.

Deep inside my now constantly buzzing brain, I wonder if I always thought it would.

My heart is a little bit broken. For all of the finger sticks and needles and lows on the soccer field and swinging by the nurses office every day on the way to lunch and mean kids at school and the scary thoughts of complications. I do not want him to see me upset, but I also want him to know that its okay for him to cry, or scream, or just get really pissed off at diabetes. I want to make everything okay for him, but I know that it is a tough road and a big deal.

I know how lucky we are. We have already been wrapped in virtual hugs from family and friends and our amazing extensive camp network. I am so grateful he did not get very ill before diagnosis. It is not common for a kid with diabetes to avoid hospitalization and several days of in-patient diabetes education, complete with plastic fruit. I know that he'll benefit from our combined 63 years of living with diabetes. I know that there are advances being made daily, and that his management will benefit greatly. I am grateful that I work from home and can make the 15 minute drive to school at the drop of a hat, and that we have the resources necessary to keep him healthy.

I know a lot about diabetes, but I am certainly about to learn a whole lot more.